“Lately, God has been revealing to me that we are just not right for each other. I think we should break up”. This seems to be a recurring theme in multiple conversations I have overheard in the past couple of years, as many of my well-meaning—but grossly mislead friends—uttered these words to justify putting an end to their relationships abruptly. Each time I heard those words been spoken, it fanned into flame a skirmish within me on whether or not I should write the following words.
So here it goes:
Dating practices differ drastically from one culture to another, as does the definition of the word ‘dating’. I became increasingly aware of this as I made the transition from my home in Sri Lanka to Western New York. Back home, for most people, dating simply means one is in an ‘exclusive relationship’ with another person; you are either formally dating or you’re not. Here in America, terminology tends to be more nuanced—which is a nice way of saying it’s confusing. For this article, when I say ‘dating’ or ‘relationship,’ I am referring to an exclusive commitment between two people. While the behavioral patterns surrounding dating changes and evolves over time, I feel the purpose of dating is still at its core, the same: finding someone to spend the rest of one’s life with.
Prayer should be of the highest importance in the daily life of those who claim to be Christians, especially when it comes to important decisions such as dating and marriage. Yet many well-meaning (sometimes) Christians are misusing God’s name when they attribute the reason for the break-up to be divine inspiration. As I see it, one of the biggest problems in telling someone “God told me to break up with you,” is that it calls into question that person’s character, worth and spiritual standing. It’s easy to tell someone that “God said so,” but the underscored implication the other person hears is: “God doesn’t feel that you are good enough for me.” I just don’t think that this is fair or, theologically accurate. Claiming that God divinely inspired one’s decision to end a relationship sends the other into a frenzy of self-doubt where they question what about their lives is so terrible that God himself would decide to intervene in this situation.
Surely God is not the author of convenient break-ups.
The Bible doesn’t really have any examples of dating, because most modern courting methods didn’t exist during biblical times. However, what the Bible is clear about, is love. As Christians, we are to love one another as Christ has loved us (John 13:34); honor one another (Rom. 12:10); and not become unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Cor. 6:14). Christ-like love doesn’t fall through suddenly. It doesn’t give-up when difficulties present themselves. Adversity is rather an opportunity for God to reveal himself in and through a relationship that chooses to persevere. If one is going to break-up purely based on ‘spiritual reasons’, one must ask themselves the question: did I seek God’s will when I was contemplating asking this person out? Was God present in making the decisions that led to this break-up? In other words, if God had nothing to do with the origins of a relationship, then God should not be credited with its end. The will of God is not, and should not, be an afterthought for Christians, especially in dating. For most Christians, marriage is considered to be the most intimate of human relationships and a sacred act instituted by God himself. If Christians believed this to be true, then dating—which is meant to lead toward marriage—should also be considered as a sacred act.
Scripture may not specifically address dating, but very clearly teaches that the Christian life is to be marked by prayer and supplication (Phil. 4:6; 1 Thes. 5:17; Matt. 26:41). Regardless of circumstances, prayer is intended to be at the beginning, middle, and end of any important decision a Christian is faced with. If prayer came first, a lot of bad decisions (and bad break-ups) could be avoided. One cannot expect to model well a Christ honoring relationship if one does not first have a relationship with God, saturated in prayer.
Let me be clear, I am not implying that by praying about a relationship, everyone will get it right, all the time. Prayer is by no means a technique that ensures romantic success. I am not saying that there aren’t perfectly justifiably reasons for one to end a relationship for moral reasons inspired by Biblical teachings. One is justified in ending a relationship because one doesn’t have feelings toward the other; or because one doesn’t see a future together; or because it’s just not a good time for a relationship. Certainly, there are a myriad of reasons for a relationship to fall through. Figure out what the real reason is, and be honest with your significant other. Surely, you owe them that much. What must stop, is falsely quoting God as though the break-up was divinely inspired, when God was never involved in the process in the first place. Doing so has turned “God said so” into a cliché utilized by Christians who are too afraid to admit their shortcomings, while simultaneously making the God of the universe a tool in our belts to avoid transparency with another human being. Humans are flawed. We make mistakes—especially in relationships. Its ok to make mistakes! God should not be blamed for one’s own realization that one is incompatible with another person. It is wrong to usurp the name of God, and use it as a ‘spiritual trump-card’ because one doesn’t have the courage to say “Hey, it’s not working out.” For Christians, the point of dating, should be to learn if two people are compatible for marriage. If the answer is no, then the solution is simple (though the process can certainly be painful). Seek to value the other person over your own personal level of comfort, but most of all, honor God by seeking His face daily, and treating people with the love which is modeled for us in the life and ministry of Jesus Christ.
One reply on “It’s Not You, It’s God”
I agree largely with what you say except that we shouldn’t deny that God very well could reveal, like you say, the “real reason” for why people are not compatible. God cares deeply about these matters and, as we ought to seek out God’s wisdom in everything, so we should hope to receive God’s answers for questions even about relationships (even if we didn’t start the relationship off by seeking God’s wisdom). But, as you said, it is probably not helpful to declare God’s intervention as the only reason as, exactly as you say, it makes the other person feel like God is on one side and condemning the other. But could mentioning prayer and God’s care for the BOTH of you actually be comforting in a break-up?