By [REDACTED]
WARNING: This is not satire!
This is a cry for help coming from an unspecified STAR official. If you are thinking about joining the STAR team: DO NOT! It is a place of pure terror. Everyone who joins is treated as less than human. Near the end of this upcoming year, the evil and terrifyingly tall Christian Welker intends to overthrow Victoria Hock in a bid to become the leader. Victoria is in her senior year and has been fighting for far too long; I fear she will go down in flames. But once Christian establishes his reign as an eye of Sauron-type figure, the rest of us will be forced to follow his lead.
Joining his conquest is Joshua Carpenter, a real-life juggernaut. He will probably serve as second-in-command, servicing every one of Christian’s evil desires. Day in and day out they lounge around under the belief of assured destruction come the end of the year. Once they achieve their goals, I fear we may be unable to stop them from corrupting the rest of the campus. One of the biggest tells thus far is how they seem to know everything that’s going on. They have the stories and news before the rest of the campus. I suspect dirty dealings with faculty. Both have admitted close “friendships” with certain professors. But what do they and professors have in common? Wanting to see fellow students suffer under harsh leadership and work hours!
The biggest problem comes with the newer recruits such as Victoria Arndt and Caleb Tiedemann. Both are confined to horrendous work hours, constantly having to find people to write articles and edit the STAR to perfection, under a penetrating gaze. When it does not come out perfect, threats fly and punishments are dealt. These punishments include eating Metz food, being confined in a Big Al’s booth, and worse! Arndt and Tiedemann are given the quotes and works of other students to be edited and made their own.
Another STAR staff member, Savannah Stitt, is constantly forced to run around and take pictures of various students and events for Christian’s big brother takeover. He MUST know everything that is happening. She acts as a scout, lurking in the shadows, neither seen nor heard to get the best pictures possible, spying on certain clubs and article writers that could very possibly help Christian in his quest for power.
I urge everyone reading this to look out for the STAR- it is not what it claims to be, it is an institution of black site operations. I request that the college stops looking over the cries of anguish of all the STAR staff members and calls to arms for the necessary reinforcements against Christian and Joshua, for they are indeed an unstoppable duo capable of only the most heinous of crimes. My name is [REDACTED] and as a writer, I stand to be the voice of the people and will not let [REDACTED]★
Message from the Co-Editor-in-Chief:
We apologize for the confusion and fear. This writer has clearly lost their mind and is no longer fit to work within our wonderfully non-evil club. The perpetrator has been sufficiently dealt with and will not taint our wonderful news pages any longer.
On a completely unrelated and equally non-evil note, we are looking for a new News Editor to replace my minion the current News Editor Josh Carpenter as he steps into the Co-Editor-in-Chief position, replacing Victoria, who will be sorely missed.
Thank you for your consideration, we apologize again for the startling and completely false review.
Long live the Editor-in-Chief
Thank you and have a good day,
Christian D. Welker
