Tag: marriage

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Relationships and the All-Sufficiency of Christ

Lydia Wilson’s article on Christian perspectives towards marriage in the January 24th edition of the Star both encouraged and intrigued me. Her work has often prompted me to consider my faith from a new perspective, and I found myself, after reading her introductory paragraph, wondering, if marriage is not the “end all and be all” of life (which, sadly, many Christians idolize it to be) what is, and how should we approach singleness, dating, and marriage in light of that?

I believe Miss Wilson touches on the answer when she writes:

luke“Marriage is not intended to be in the forefront of every single person’s mind. Rather, it should be seen as an unnecessary and very serious step, one that only need be taken if one finds a true partner, someone that they cannot possibly live without, and most importantly, someone who will not distract them from doing the work of the Lord, but instead be compatible and work with them.”

Though marriage is not for everyone, the reality is that the relationships we participate in drastically shape our lives, whether that be our family, peers, or significant other. In the gospel of Matthew Jesus quotes the Old Testament and simultaneously places immense importance on relationships when he declares that the greatest commandment is to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself.” Essentially, we exist to respond to the awesome love of God expressed through Christ with all of our lives, and, as a result, truly love others regardless of the nature of our relationship with them. As pastor David Platt states, “Proclaiming the love of Christ is the overflow from sharing in the life of Christ.” Two central concepts correlating to this perspective, integral to living out the love of God in relationships, are holiness and worship.

In both marriage and celibacy we are invited to be profoundly shaped through the responsibilities that come with either relationship status. As a single person, I am called to fast from intimacy. At times, this responsibility can be very taxing in light of external cultural pressures, as well as the personal desire to love and be loved. Through exercising the discipline of self control, however, I am gradually learning what it is to place my confidence and hope in Christ over that which I, at times, most long for. Moreover, in striving to wholeheartedly embrace the opportunity to be as effective as possible during this time of singleness, I discover what it means to worship God in light of the season of life that I find myself in.

In the same way, those who participate in the intimacy of marriage at times endure moments of strain, during which they have to set aside their own longings and selflessly serve their spouse despite the very real desire to ignore all commitments. Nevertheless, in choosing to put their spouse first, those who are married discover what it means to give and receive the selfless, unconditional love of Christ. Thus, as they grow as individuals and their marriage evolves they are continuously discovering God more fully as they live out the love of Christ.

Both singleness and marriage involve life responsibilities in which we, in responding well, can be molded in the likeness of Christ and live in worship to him. How does this apply, however, to those who are caught in between; those individuals whom we classify as “dating”, “courting”, “talking”, “pursing marriage”, or some variation thereof? Recently a close married friend of mine shared the following advice with me regarding the core pillars on which healthy relationships, and ultimately marriages, are built. Firstly, healthy relationships involve a deep soul relationship, a closeness represented by a fun, vibrant friendship which provides a solid foundation for pursuing romance. Secondly, they demonstrate a sincere and devoted love for God which powerfully shapes their lives as individuals and a couple. Lastly, and only in the context of marriage, both individuals enjoy and invest in the beauty of physical intimacy. For those pursuing a healthy romantic relationship, their focus should firstly center on the calibre of their friendship. As they grow to more deeply love and understand one another, their relationship should be a source of mutual spiritual edification; indeed they should not only grow individually, but witness Christ equipping them together to be potently effective for his kingdom. Lastly, under the covenant of marriage, they are able to discover and celebrate their love within the context of physical intimacy.

The beauty of relationships, whether they involve family, friends, or lovers, is that they are not the be all and end all, nor are they simply the means to an end. Rather, they exist as a beautiful testimony to the ongoing work of Christ in our lives. As J.C. Ryle states, “relationships can be a great blessing, or a great curse, depending on where we place the Cross.” May we, as we continuously embrace the process of being made holy through growing in the likeness of Christ and worshiping Him in all things, discover the all-sufficiency of Christ within us in every relationship that we are a part of.

 

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Is Marriage the Greatest Tool for Lifting Families out of Poverty?

Would marriage help solve America’s poverty problems? Senator Marco Rubio seems to think so. Since the War on Poverty was declared 50 years ago there have been many theories and ideas about how to solve the problem of poverty. But Senator Marco Rubio has introduced a new theory. In a recent speech that addressed wealth inequality, Senator Rubio asserted that the “greatest tool to lift children and families out of poverty” is “marriage.” Senator Rubio keenly pointed out that marriage has become more and more unpopular over the past 50 years, but he believes that it is the greatest solution to the poverty problems that young people face.

So is marriage the ultimate tool that will fix America’s poverty problems?

jedNow before we begin to critique Senator Rubio’s bold statement, it is important to point out that in the Senator’s speech he cites some interesting data concerning the links between marriage and a college education. Indeed, the Senator showed that 64% of adults who have a college degree are married in contrast to only 47% of adults who only have a high school diploma.

Rubio’s theory goes like this: an individual’s economic future is dependent not only upon having money and a good income but is also heavily dependent upon social capital. Marriage and a strong family structure create an environment that manifests social capital. When an individual is raised in a family that invests in him/her socially then the person will be better equipped to handle the challenges in the future. Increases in marriage will cause increases in social capital, which will then increase an individual’s opportunities for economic success.

No one could refute the merits of this argument. But how does this help the millions of children and adults who were not raised in a home with married parents?

Getting married would not make an unemployed person become employed. Getting married would not miraculously increase a person’s low wages. Marriage would certainly have an impact on wealth inequality for future generations but it would not solve the poverty problem for people right now.

Another approach must be taken for those that are already entrapped by their poverty.

Right now, over 47 million Americans do not have health insurance, almost 50 million Americans are receiving food stamps and over 5 million Americans are currently receiving unemployment benefits. To make matters worse, it is estimated that over 15 percent of Americans are either unemployed, underemployed, or have completely given up on finding a job and have stopped looking for employment.

Lifting America out poverty will depend on whether lawmakers can find a way to increase employment, wealth, and wages. President Obama addressed this in his State of the Union speech. Ideas like raising the minimum wage to $10.10, extending unemployment benefits for an additional 14 weeks, and lowering fees and costs for businesses that hire minority workers would have an immediate impact on the lives of poor people right now.

There are key factors that will contribute to solving these problems that have nothing to do with being married. Having a job, having a job that is full time, having a job that pays a sustainable wage, and having a substantial income that provides for a person’s needs are all positive growth factors that contribute to a person’s ability to provide for himself. The common link between all of those factors is income. Having the ability to purchase, having the ability to make your own destiny, and having money at your disposal are all keys to freeing a person from the prison of poverty.

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Is Marriage the Greatest Tool for Lifting Families out of Poverty?

“Marriage” is a hard topic to broach in public debate, particularly in the context of economics. Many women, like myself, view it with a certain amount of trepidation when the subject comes up; the floodgates seem to be open to derogatory comments about “welfare queens” and single-motherhood, with poor women bearing the brunt of poorly-disguised scorn and highly insensitive gaffes. The conversation and ensuing media rigamorale can be so off-putting.

sarahHowever, it’s not a conversation that we should tune out. Some have suggested that the collapse of the married, two-parent family – the result of decades of rising divorce rates, out-of-wedlock births, and rising numbers of couples who do not marry – has resulted in much of the poverty we see today.

Indeed, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) recently made bold a speech on the fifty year anniversary of the War on Poverty in which he said “The truth is, the greatest tool to lift children and families from poverty is one that decreases the probability of child poverty by 82%. But it isn’t a government spending program. It’s called marriage.”

I would agree with Rubio, though with a few objections. To begin with, I don’t think marriage is a panacea to the current economic climate. (Granted, it’s not clear that in context of his speech that Rubio was assuming that it was.) I’m not even sure that it’s “the greatest” tool to combat poverty, either. That lends itself too much to a messianic definition of marriage, which I don’t think is appropriate. (It also seems to cheapen other equally important strategies to combat poverty.)

However, whether we like it or not, marriage and other social relationships do affect us and how rich and how poor we are. As Nick Schultz of the American Enterprise Institute points out in “Home Economics: the Consequences of a Changing Family Structure,” economics is not solely a study of numbers and monetary transactions. The most important economic questions of our time – rising income inequality, depressed wages, and slow economic growth – cannot be answered without touching upon our social institutions. If this is the case, marriage must be addressed.

Marriage delivers on a number of good things that can help relieve poverty. For one, it seems to  promote economic  mobilization. Our modern version of marriage has all the promise to provide a stable home for children, helping them succeed later in life. Though they acknowledge that the effects of marriage are not the only factor, a new Brookings Institution study makes the claim that “children born into continuously married family  [sic] have much better economic mobility than those in single parent families.” So, marriage seems to be good for the kids.

It’s also good for the adults. In the absence of marriage, single parents, particularly single moms, have to struggle working one or more job, along with the regular housework and childrearing.  According to a study undertaken by the Atlantic, poor women and single moms are more likely to have higher levels of anxiety, to live with regret, to stress about their kids, and rely on their family and friends for money. Marriage can relieve some of the pressure by turning one income into two.

Altogether, marriage creates a miniature economy that has the potential to benefit all parties and, in the best marriages, this is fueled by a love and warmth that cannot be reproduced elsewhere.

That being said, the solution to poverty in the United States can’t just be “get married,” nor should we expect that to be the solution for every individual. However, marriage is nonetheless an important aspect to resolving poverty and one of our greatest tools. Given its benefits, why don’t we encourage it enough? Let’s stop tuning out the conversation based on political rhetoric and start looking at marriage as the great thing that it is.

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Only If You Absolutely Must

In the world of Christian thought on marriage, two main viewpoints seem to be perpetuated: the first, that marriage is the end-all be-all of Christian life and is a perfect holy union sanctified by God. Many of my friends and people I have encountered at Houghton hold this opinion. They did not come to Houghton for the sole purpose of finding a spouse, but they do fervently believe that marriage and procreation is the best possible way to live out God’s purpose in their lives, and that not fulfilling this duty somehow falls ever-so-slightly short of Christian perfection. The second viewpoint runs along the lines of, “Really, folks, it is okay to be single.” Not better, not even great, just “okay.” As in, don’t worry if you have completely failed at finding “the one” God has for you, He can still use you even if you are lonely and alone. I mean, hey, Paul was single!

Yes, Paul was single, and he had an awful lot to say on the subject as well. In 1 Corinthians 7:38, he writes, “So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.” Keyword here: better. In Paul’s mind, avoiding marriage is the ultimate goal, and only by staying single can God’s plans best play themselves out in your life. Jesus seemed to share the same opinion. When the disciples asked him if it was indeed better not to marry, He replied in Matthew 19:12, “The one who can accept this should accept it.” And, in Luke 20:35, He explains, “But those who are considered worthy of taking part in the age to come and in the resurrection from the dead will neither marry nor be given in marriage.” Marriage is an earthly tradition, a vice. It is not “like the angels.”

So where does this leave those of us who would still view marriage as beautiful and special representation of Christ’s relationship with the Church? Certainly there is scriptural evidence for this way of thought as well. Often the body of believers is described as a bride being received by Christ at the resurrection, and in Song of Solomon the bedchamber is described as being blessed by God and His presence is with the bride and groom. What it means to have a committed marriage that is spiritually healthy and focused on God is also outlined clearly in the Bible. Paul himself describes what a Christian marriage should look like, instructing in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” Likewise Jesus speaks to the permanence of marriage in Matthew 19:6, saying, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” There is nothing wrong with marriage, and those who do marry have specific guidelines to follow when it comes to forming their relationship in accordance with God’s will.

However, Paul’s instructions are followed by a stipulation. In 1 Corinthians 7:6-7 & 9, he adds, “I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. … But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” In other words, marriage is the lesser of two evils. It is the exception, not the rule. There is no “one” that God has chosen for you to marry, because God does not even really want you to get married. If you absolutely cannot help yourself and you must get married in order to keep from sinning though, it is okay. God will make an allowance for you.

maariageIf I am coming off a bit harsh, do not worry. I do not think, as it may appear in the last couple paragraphs, that marriage is the devil. As Jesus concedes in Luke 20:34, “The people of this age marry and are given marriage.” It is simply a fact of life, and within that fact, I believe that Christian relationships have the power to do good work for the Lord. I myself am engaged to be married. In my life I have been lucky enough to be surrounded by shining examples of strong Christian marriages. However, I do think that we need to seriously reconsider the ways in which we typically treat marriage within the Church.

To begin with, there is no evidence in scripture that marriage should in any way be one of the main goals of a person’s life. Pressure on young people to find the one God has intended for them is common in Christian circles. The result is a fevered rat race of young adults trying to figure out who to marry, taking dating relationships far too seriously, rushing into marriage, and feeling inadequate if unable to find a mate. Divorce rates are high, due in part to an increasingly relaxed stance on commitment and divorce, but also due to many people feeling that they should get married as soon as possible. Marriage is not intended to be in the forefront of every single person’s mind. Rather, it should be seen as an unnecessary and very serious step, one that only need be taken if one finds a true partner, someone that they cannot possibly live without, and, most importantly, someone who will not distract them from doing the work of the Lord, but instead be compatible and work with them.

In addition, God is willing to work with our differences and the personalities with which He has blessed us. From the beginning, He has acknowledged our tendency to loneliness, admitting in Genesis 2:18 that “It is not good for the man to be alone.” He is honest about the strengths and weaknesses of His people. As is stated in Matthew 19:8-9, He allowed Moses to permit the people to divorce, “because your hearts were hard,” even though “it was not this way from the beginning,” and in then Jesus’ time, He once again did not permit divorce “except for sexual immorality.” What does this openness to the conditions of the time indicate about how we should approach the current discussions that the Church is engaged in, such as the rights of homosexual and transgendered people?

There are numerous issues that could stand being revisited when it comes to what the Bible says about marriage, and we are not always going to agree on all of them. But if we are honest about the faults in our worldviews, we can read scripture with an open mind, communicate with one another, and perhaps make some improvements in the way we treat those we have previously marginalized.