By Samantha Gorski (’23)
When you think of the word “Dissonance,” what exactly comes to mind? Music majors might think of the sudden disharmony between chords. Psychology majors, like myself, think of contradictory beliefs or values. But either way, the word “dissonance” perfectly sums up my 2020 in a nutshell. Like everyone else you’ve heard talk about COVID-19, the pandemic took a toll on me that was completely unexpected. A lot of my expectations for the year went out the window, along with my sense of trust that things would happen the way that they were supposed to. But unlike everyone else, the pandemic also robbed me of my faith, which I unknowingly left unguarded. Only now, in the Spring of 2021, am I finally reclaiming what I internally lost and finding my way back to a God that never left.
If I were to ask the entire campus how COVID has impacted them, I don’t believe a single person would say their life got better last March. Social isolation and country-wide closings don’t exactly make for a happy lifestyle. But, for an introvert like me, I figured it wouldn’t be too bad. It could only last a couple weeks (which I’d peacefully spend at home), right?
Wrong. So wrong. I think once COVID ran into summertime, I knew something was different about myself. I was making rash decisions, not caring about consequences because it seemed like the things I had planned for myself were gone anyways, so what could it hurt? I rarely thought about God, was skipping church, barely prayed, and listened to secular music. Where the heck was the version of myself that started out at Houghton College with the hopes of becoming stronger in my faith? Where was the sophomore in high school that was already committed to Houghton before she even visited? The girl who knew she was home as soon as she stepped out of the car? Because she was nowhere to be found, and a defiant teenager was in her place all because of a pandemic that no one thought would last this long. I knew the beautiful thing about college was that you could rewrite yourself, start new. But what if you didn’t like who you were becoming? Actually missed your old self? Then what?
So yeah, I was a dissonant mess. An unfaithful servant at best. Yet, the beautiful thing about God is He tends to leave the 99 for the 1. In my fallen mess, He found me once again and lifted me up. And now, I can’t lie and say that I suddenly felt better, that COVID didn’t matter to me, or that my life was suddenly on track. But I knew what I needed to do to feel better, and it was possibly the best realization of my life. I needed God.
I remember finding a safe haven in Josh Garrels music. And then Switchfoot. And then We the Kingdom. My playlist evolved. Going on walks with earbuds in, stopping and noticing the nature around me. Saying to God, “I might not be happy right now, but gee the leaves sure do look pretty and I thank You for that.” Going to church, finding meaning in the worship music, and applying the pastoral message to my life. Actually reading Scripture and… wait for it… enjoying it. I can confidently say that my faith is at an all-time high right now.
However, I didn’t want to give you the message that my life is perfect now, or that I won’t fall again. Because it will surely happen; we’re all human after all. I’ve still had some rough days and had to remind myself that someone will always be beside me in the fire. But I felt compelled to tell my 2020 journey in case COVID has hurt you as well. If you’re struggling a lot to feel God’s presence, I want you to know that you’re not alone no matter how much it might feel like you are. God will welcome you back to His side with unfailing arms. Always. And that was something that a global pandemic had to teach me. I don’t think I’d ever value my faith as highly if life was perfect. And for that, for all the struggling and unrest, for all the dissonance, I’m thankful. ★
Samantha is a sophomore majoring in Psychology and Intercultural Studies, with a minor in Diversity Studies.
