Dear Sir or Madam,
This is to protest the shamelessly hairist front-page article in your last edition. Its author, who is, I believe, one Helena Versailles (or some such name), is in any case a known hairist extremist, given to wearing bizarre hats, the better to emphasize her own expansive mop-top and to ridicule the follicly challenged.
Hairism, as Ms. Marseilles is quite well aware, is not merely an unpleasant prejudice; it is the pervasive discourse of a hairistically hegemonic society. Baldness afflicts those males whose brains expand to the point of driving out their hair by the roots—and an oppressive, hairist society capitalizes on this by reducing the sufferers to the social rôles of professors, scientists, researchers, archivists and other underpaid professions, rather than more lucrative positions as rockstars, Hollywood actors, or playing for ZZ Top.
Your correspondent Estelle Escargot (or whatever her name is) then compounds this by speaking up — not for the victims of institutionalized hairism, but for the oppressors!
Enough already! Down with the hairarchy!
—Chairthing, Glatzers for Follicular Justice
(or maybe Meic Pearse)