Updated 5:09 p.m. EDT; 20 February 2026
Last Thursday in Java 101, a series of questions were asked to a panel of men. The list included why men feel the need to discuss their bowel movements; what to get men instead of flowers; and why men won’t make the first move in romantic relationships, because, as suggested, “that’s their job.” To the last, the panel answered with “a lack of confidence” and “fear of rejection.” Men don’t ask out women because women are scary, and being told “no” is painful. At the heart of these conversations is the idea that men are expected to initiate romantic relationships. Men, as well as women, would benefit from normalizing female initiative in romance.
”Men, as well as women, would benefit from normalizing female initiative in romance.”
The concept of courtship is familiar, though the word is perhaps a little archaic. We all have an understanding of what it is to “woo” someone, and I posit that we generally attach the verb to a male actor. The language of winning the heart of the women you love is familiar, but I don’t believe we think of women winning the hearts of men in the same way. Stereotypically, a woman wishes a man to take notice of her, while a man must persuade a woman to accept him. I’ve been told that men are naturally more “chasers,” and women are naturally more “picky.” Likewise, a female friend once expressed to me the fear of being seen as “easy” if a man could win her quickly.
There is precedent elsewhere in the animal kingdom: male birds-of-paradise, for instance, carry brilliant courtship feathers and dance to win a mate, while the females wear drabber colors to blend into bushes. Antlers grow (nearly) exclusively on male deer, who literally fight each other for the females. Perhaps a better argument for this model can be made Biblically. The teaching of male headship is hotly contested, but those who hold it might support male initiative by extension: that as the marriage is directed by the husband, so too should the stage before marriage be directed by the boyfriend.
This, however, requires a long interpretive leap: from leadership in a permanent relationship to initiative in a liminal one. Moreover, many denominations (including the Wesleyan Church) directly reject male headship. As a culture, we have wholeheartedly embraced equality of the sexes, and are convicted that God did not put men in charge. Why not extend this equality to the world of romantic love? I for one won’t think less of anyone who clearly asks for something they want.
Perhaps we are convinced from an animal perspective that males in all species must win females, who choose from among them. But while humans are animals, we are also more than animals. We do not mate nor rut but make love, and we ought not do this by the example of the beasts and the birds and the spiders. I do not wish to grow antlers and pound heads with my homies to entertain the women of campus, nor do I wish to wed a woman who will kill and eat me upon consummation of our marriage.
Love is not a commodity women can give and men get, but something humans share. We can forget this fact if only men are taught to be chasers. In a world where men pursue women, but not the reverse, men become dogs and women become meat. When asked how men would react to a woman taking initiative, the panel agreed many would be ecstatic. (One person on the panel said most guys would date a tree if it made the first move.)
“If we continue to understand courtship as exclusively a male endeavor, we instead maintain a lie about the real value of men in the world.”
I want my brothers-in-classes on this campus to feel valuable. For all that is said about human sin, it is undeniable that we all want to do good, and wish desperately to have something of value to offer: to be precious not just to our Creator, but our fellow creatures. If we continue to understand courtship as exclusively a male endeavour, we instead maintain a lie about the real value of men in the world.
So, get men flowers too.
Wesley Stevick has never been on a date but knows lots of people who have and thinks this makes him qualified to write about such things. His favorite pastimes involve listening to music (from a selection including hiphop and Norse religious chants), making potshots at the Evangelical Church, meeting new people, and staring into space considering human nature.
