Doubt Suspended in Confidence

Season seven, episode seven of the Fox series Bones features a nine-month pregnant Dr. Temperance Brennan wading through a crowded fight in the cafeteria of a men’s prison without a care in the world. Her anxious partner, Booth, begs her to have some sense and not over-exert herself, but she casually states that hurting a child is one of the biggest prison taboos, and carries on. And she is right; the prisoners catch sight of her immense belly and fall over themselves to get out of her way. Her path is miraculously cleared in the midst of tackling bodies, headlocks, and thrown punches. She is aware of something cognitively and she fearlessly applies it to her physical life without a second thought. She is confident in her own mind.

I hoard my favorite quotes in notebooks and look over them periodically like a miser counting gemstones. Several oft-read quotes are pulled from Nietzsche’s The Gay Science. At the risk of being thought delusional, I in all honesty find that Nietzsche, “God is dead” Nietzsche, provides me with as much affirmation in my faith as any Christian writer ever has, if not more. Particularly these lines: “When we hear the news that ‘the old god is dead,’ as if a new dawn shone on us; our heart overflows with gratitude, amazement, premonitions, expectation. At long last the horizon appears free to us again, even if it should not be bright; at long last our ships may venture out again, venture out to face any danger; all the daring of the lover of knowledge is permitted again; the sea, our sea, lies open again; perhaps there has never yet been such an ‘open sea.’” Let me explain. I enter the crowded fight between Nietzsche and God with the knowledge that God is not dead, not anymore. And the crowd parts before me. “The old god is dead,” yes, and the new God has risen, and a new dawn shines on us. We can venture out without fear of sin. We can grow in our knowledge, knowing that the open sea of God’s forgiveness lies before us. Few things I have read have given me more hope. Of course, I am blatantly projecting my own personal beliefs and convictions upon the undoubtedly unwilling Nietzsche. I am being rude, perhaps; I am blaspheming, even. I have a habit of gathering hope from typically barren places such as this. Is it a unique and valuable form of faith, or am I over-confident and foolish? In the wise words of our own Houghton alumnus Gordon Brown, “Bad self-esteem and inflated self-esteem are two sides of the same coin.”

In season eight, episode ten of Bones, Dr. Brennan enters a ballroom dancing competition while undercover with Booth. She has never danced before, but she observes the other dancers and says with the same assuredness as before that she can translate the same movements that they make to the corresponding parts of her own body. She then proceeds to do so… and is dreadful. She believes that she is mimicking their motions exactly, but she does not have the practice that they have, and in actuality has no idea what she herself looks like in action. This kind of misguided confidence is seen all too often in the efforts of various evangelizers. The desire to appear infallible and have all the answers repeatedly overwhelms the real need for earnest seeking and authenticity. There is a delicate balance here. My fiancé Andy Nelson writes, “We should question our faith. We should express our views with humility. But we should not adopt a state of constant uncertainty and doubt.” Too much, honesty is replaced by bravado; but just as much, assertiveness is degraded by a kind of shrugging denial of confidence. Neither approach is effective in excess.

There is a poem by Denise Levertov titled “Suspended” that reads, “The ‘everlasting arms’ my sister loved to remember/ Must have upheld my leaden weight/ From falling, even so,/ For though I claw at empty air and feel/ Nothing, no embrace,/ I have not plummeted.” Whether or not complete confidence in every aspect of faith is possible, certainly I can be confident in the fact that I am suspended, that I float on the level with the core tenets of my Christian faith. While some value doubt and others value confidence, each cannot exist without the other. Faith, more than anything else, is a satisfaction in the self. If I, like Dr. Brennan, have confidence in my own mind, then I can feel free to doubt and question, to test my boundaries, to move fearlessly. After all, I have not plummeted.